You Pretty Smile Havin’ Low Down Dirty Ass M*************

He vlogs now. Scrolling down on Facebook and seeing his video make me think of the smile that I used to LOVE so much. It’s still there, cute as ever.

That smile threw a glass bottle at my head after he tried to kick me out.

The glass bottle missed my head by two inches. Two. I heard it smash behind my head as I ran down the steps on his duplex. Walking down 59th street, heated … ‘Kast’s “SpottieOttieDopaliscious” blasting in my left ear. "

No dude had ever made me that mad, that angry. I pushed over a TV table and tossed a frying pan on my way out of his door. Before that, I actually sat there for two minutes, trying to figure out what I should do to make him pay for what he thinks he’s doing to me. Burning his clothes? Maybe. Manipulating him into actually putting his hands on me so he could catch a charge? Sure … I knew what button to push. But instead, I threw on my leggings – smelling of sex, latex and breakfast – and walked out of the door, leaving a frying pan sliding across his floor.

I’m not proud of that moment at all. It was so ratchet, so out of character. I forgot who I was at the time. Ciara never stooped that low but homeboy pushed a button. Button was pushed and I went off.

That was the theme of our relationship. Very violent, very chaotic. We’d love in one moment and hated in the next. I thought I was going to be the girl that would change this kid. That was a fail. I thought he was going to be the dude that would wife me. I swore up and down to people that we were going to get married some way. Hell, we thought we would too.

And through all of this, we were never officially together. Insane loyalty to someone that doesn’t want to claim you in the streets, right? Truth be told, this shit should have been over YEARS ago but I stayed. I stayed because I was naïve enough to think that he would change. Naïve to think that he grew up. He didn’t. Using three year old petty shit against me is not grown.

So ugly. That fight was ugly. My actions were ugly. Now that smile is ugly. Shit’s just ugly.