What I’ve Learned in my 23rd Year of Life

Next Monday, I turn 24. One year closer to 25. Yeah, word. This past year grew me the fuck up.

Here’s how:

1) I can be my own worst enemy: I put myself into a lot of messed-up situations for the sake of being in them. I knew better and I still ventured into dangerous territory. I didn’t need to have the crying fits and angry spats with others. I didn’t need a story to tell or a reputation to build. I didn’t have to elongate the depression and anxiety. I just needed to do what was right with my own damn soul. My soul had to break without anyone feeling any sympathy for me to realize this.

2) In contrast, my self-confidence grew: Bye was the comparisons to other people. Bye was the look-away and down-trodden heads. Gone was the shyness. I could speak to others with pride. Crazy that I learned this working in a damn mall.

3) I’m William’s daughter: My Dad was in the ICU for a week. I couldn’t even look at him in the hospital bed, the image was that traumatizing for me. I grew to better understand the man that gave me half his DNA. He stood by me through my entire BS and I finally had the cojones to tell him thank you. He really appreciated it. He’s my biggest ally in these streets and without him and his sacrifices for me, I’d be in a horrifying place.

4) My Aces and My Sisters: You really see who is down for you in the times you need it most and my sisters were there. I also learned that it is possible to be friends with guys. Those are my aces and I love them as if they are my brothers. It’s ride or die.

5) I over-analyze. I take simple shit and turn it into something really colossal. I can take a statement and turn it into an attack. I had to almost lose two good folks in my life to get that.
5a) I’m not as prideful as I bill myself to be: I apologize and take the back seat more than I want to give myself credit for. Sometimes to my own detriment.

6) I discovered my calling: I was built from birth to be an activist for women’s rights. Now I have the battery in my back to act on that calling.

7) I miss my brother: My Brother and I used to fight like mad when we were kids. Then we were cool and now we don’t talk. I miss the kid. He put me onto hip-hop and I put him onto R&B. He humbled me when I was going through my “I’m Ciara, bitch” arrogant moments. I tried to convince him that we were a family and he didn’t believe me. Now he doesn’t have one. Shit sucks.

8) My brain scares me: I know too much and I analyze too much.

9) I talk shit to the wrong people: I had my first put-up or shut-up moment when I was 17. I still ain’t learn.

10) That I’m me: I no longer feel as if I need to defend myself as a person. I’m Ciara.