Monday, January 11, 2010

‘No-Ass-at-All’ Starring Me!

I don’t have a butt. I mean, I’m not flat cardboard box status but I’m something close to that. Trust me when I tell you: I am an optical illusion. From the front, it would look like I would have something of a bubble back there but when you take the rose-colored glasses off, you’ll see that there ain’t nothing back there but air and ether.

You would think, as a Black girl growing up in the video girl era, I would be bothered emotionally because I’m ass-less. In all honesty, I’m not. I know I don’t have an ass. I don’t walk around as if I do. Fuck it, I’m the first to tell you that I don’t have an ass. Yeah, I wish I could fill out my jeans a little bit better but my thighs and hips kinda sorta make up for it. Hell, I think I was given “other attributes” to make up for what I don’t have.

I mention my lack-of-ass because the other night, I peeped an infomercial for a product called the “BootyPop”, a backwards-working body shaper that gives women with small hindquarters a little extra outward push. I laughed, choked and laughed again. Do women not understand? These are the types of “devices” that keep you from getting a man. Walking around like that damn Decepticon and shit. Yeah, a dude may want to massage your inner walls on the illusion of an ass but when you get home, take the buttpads off and all he sees is a brick wall instead of a brick house? He’s a goner.

I will NEVER resort to acts like that because when all the clothes come off, you have what you have. I love what I have and even what I don’t …

1 comment:

  1. *flips through no-butt joke playbook for fresh one*

    Damn.

    Oh well...at least YOU see how wrong it is...if your curves are all on the floor with your clothes when you get nekkid...do not want.

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