I can’t sleep. No really, I can’t. Ever since I left my job to get ready to move back to Philadelphia, my sleeping pattern has been all types of messed up. Today, I slept on and off until about 7 PM. Seven. It’s not healthy or hygienic. My body needs to move. My brain needs to rest.
With being up this late, I have many thoughts, many of them nonsensical.
Here they are:
1) The last thing I want to do is fall into that same pattern that caused me to drop out of college. I slept all day, was up all night. Never went to class. I was depressed. When I left school, I literally tossed the key to my apartment on the kitchen counter and walked out. As my Dad and I drove back to Maryland, I remember telling myself “Yo, you’re a stupid f***”. Stupid for leaving less than a semester away from a degree. But I did it. I wallowed in the DC area for two and a half years until now, when I’m packing my things and getting ready to move back to Philly, to finish that degree that I dumped on. Full circle.
2) Crazy it took my Dad’s passing to make all of this happen. Really, it did. Without his life insurance money, I would not have been able to pay off the immediate debts that were keeping me from returning to school. I call it “his final push”. My Dad always wanted me to go back to school and now I am. I hope he is proud.
3) I wonder what my Dad thinks about all of this. About where I am and what I’m doing. I miss him. I wish he was here to tell me something. I miss hearing just one word for him. I miss him not even saying a word. I just miss him.
4) I have my bad days. I have my good days. But I don’t think I would have been able to get through either day without my best friend and her family. I feel so good to have some loyal folk in my life.
5) I’m living the single, single, single LIFE. Word to Cameo.
6) This ain’t the right time to fall for anyone but I’m THISCLOSE. And he knows. And we’ve talked about it. And given what’s going on with the both of us, we knew we couldn’t kick it. So we try to stay friends but it’s hard. HARD.
7) I wanna hug Moonie of LEP Bogus Boys so bad. Boobs all up in his chest.
8) I believed in Day26, I really did. “Since You’ve Been Gone” >>>>>
9) I’m still mad about the Chip Kelly hire. I really do want a Super Bowl before I hit menopause.
10) I devote my last random thought to this: Certain things have left me feeling so damn empty. Certain things have confused the hell out of me. Certain things have made me wonder about my own heart, my own emotion. Certain things have made me think about my tolerance levels. Those certain things will be left in Maryland and I’m fine with that. Like my sister said, “There. Now you have an out.”